The Power of Calm: Supporting a Mother’s Emotional Well-Being
Have you ever been told to “calm down” in a really rude tone when you’re already one second away from a full-blown breakdown? Yeah, me too. Did it help? Of course not. If anything, it probably lit a fire inside you. Or maybe you’ve walked into a room full of good vibes, only to have someone’s shitty energy hit you like a wall of doom, instantly pulling you into their chaos. Now, imagine that feeling multiplied by ten—welcome to the emotional rollercoaster that babies ride every day.
I never realized how loud silence could be until my baby’s cries filled the entire house. There have been—and still are—times when her screams echo off the walls, and I feel like I’m teetering on the edge, totally losing my grip.
But in those moments, I’ve discovered something completely unexpected: calm. Yeah, I know—sounds wild, right? My hearing? Gone. My sanity? Hanging by a thread as her cries pierce my eardrums. And yet, there I am, taking deep breaths, trying to channel my inner Zen. I start narrating what’s happening, like I’m the lead in some nature documentary, using a soothing voice (think Morgan Freeman reading bedtime stories).
I talk her through it: “We’re okay. We’re just having a moment.” Meanwhile, I’m wondering if I’m actually going to survive another minute. But here’s the wild part—she starts to calm down. It turns out, while I’m talking myself off the ledge, she and I are regulating together.
This concept of co-regulation, where babies rely on us to help them manage their emotions, has become one of the greatest lessons in my motherhood journey. And while I don’t always get it right—I still lose my cool more often than I’d like—those moments of breathing through the madness make a world of difference for both of us.
Why Staying Calm Matters
The science is clear: your emotional state profoundly affects your child’s developing brain. Studies using MRI imaging reveal that a caregiver’s emotional cues directly impact a baby’s amygdala, the part of the brain that processes emotions. When a parent stays calm, it helps reduce the baby’s stress response, fostering a sense of safety and security (Tottenham et al., 2011).
During the first three years of life, your baby’s brain is forming up to 1 million neural connections per second. Every soothing word, every deep breath, every moment of calm you model strengthens these connections, laying the foundation for emotional regulation, resilience, and trust.
The Science of Co-Regulation
Babies are born with immature nervous systems and rely on caregivers to help them reset during moments of distress. This process, known as co-regulation, is vital for healthy emotional development.
Here’s what happens when you remain calm:
Reduces Cortisol: Your baby’s stress hormone levels drop when you respond with patience and warmth, breaking the cycle of heightened distress.
Releases Oxytocin: This "love hormone" promotes bonding, relaxation, and emotional stability for both you and your baby.
Builds Emotional Security: Your consistent, calm responses teach your baby that the world is safe, fostering trust and secure attachment.
These seemingly small acts—holding them close, breathing deeply, narrating their emotions—are monumental in helping your baby feel grounded.
The Emotional Impact of Stress
If you’ve ever felt like your baby can sense your stress, you’re not imagining it. When you’re stressed, your body releases cortisol, and your baby picks up on it. This creates a feedback loop of dysregulation, where both you and your baby struggle to find calm.
Breaking this cycle requires mindfulness:
Pause and Breathe: A few deep breaths can ground you and help regulate your emotions.
Narrate the Moment: Calmly explaining what’s happening reassures both you and your baby.
Focus on Small Wins: Even brief moments of calm help reset your baby’s nervous system.
The Role of Partners: Supporting the Default Parent
For many families, one parent often becomes the “default parent,” carrying the bulk of caregiving and emotional labor. This responsibility can lead to burnout, making it difficult to maintain the calm presence your child needs.
Here’s how partners can help support the default parent and, by extension, the whole family:
1. Recognize the Emotional Load - Understand that the default parent is managing an invisible mental load—tracking appointments, managing tasks, and constantly anticipating needs. Acknowledging this effort validates their experience and reduces feelings of isolation.
2. Step Up with Practical Help - Proactively take on tasks. Instead of asking, “What do you need help with?” identify areas where you can step in, like:
Preparing meals or packing lunches.
Handling bedtime routines.
Taking over laundry or cleaning.
3. Prioritize Their Self-Care - Encourage the default parent to take breaks and support them in doing so. Offer to take over caregiving so they can recharge.
4. Be Present with the Kids - Engage in quality time with your child to share the caregiving load and build your own bond. This allows the default parent to take a mental break.
5. Communicate Openly - Check in regularly with your partner:
“How are you feeling today?”
“What can I do to make things easier for you?”
These small acts of support can make a significant difference in creating a calm, connected household.
Long-Term Benefits of Calm Parenting
The first three years are a critical window for brain development, emotional growth, and social learning. Babies who experience calm, responsive caregiving benefit in numerous ways:
Healthy Relationships: Securely attached children grow into adults who trust and connect easily with others.
Emotional Intelligence: Early co-regulation teaches them to manage stress and navigate complex emotions.
Resilience: A secure foundation helps them bounce back from life’s challenges.
Practical Tips for Staying Calm
Staying calm in the chaos of parenting is easier said than done. Here are some tips to help:
Practice Self-Compassion: Remember, it’s okay to have tough days. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment.
Take Micro Breaks: Even a few minutes to step outside or breathe deeply can reset your energy.
Prioritize Connection: Eye contact, a gentle touch, and a soft tone go a long way in soothing both you and your baby.
Ask for Help: Lean on your support system. Parenting isn’t meant to be done alone.
Motherhood is demanding, emotional, and beautiful all at once. But it doesn’t have to be done in isolation. By prioritizing your emotional well-being and leaning on your partner, family, or support system, you’re creating a secure environment where both you and your child can thrive.
Remember: your calm isn’t just for today—it’s a gift that shapes your child’s future. You’ve got this. 💕
With love and support,
Dru Erin Houchen
