Touch Starvation in Motherhood: The Importance of Reclaiming Your Body
Motherhood is full of touching moments—literally. From the second my baby was born, it was all about physical connection. I held her close, comforted her cries, and rocked her to sleep, marveling at how much love I could pour into this tiny human. But by the end of the day, I felt like I had nothing left to give. My baby would throw up on me, tug at my hair, and throw her toys at me with alarming accuracy while my ears rang from hours of crying and whining. My arms and back ached from endless picking up and putting down. I’d collapse into bed, feeling so “touched out”. I’d put my heating pad on my belly and a heavy blanket on top of me to try to ground and create warmth to help me clock out. The idea of anyone else laying a hand on me—even lovingly—was unbearable.
I didn’t realize what I was experiencing was touch starvation. Yep, while I spent my entire day being touched, pulled, and prodded, none of it was the kind of loving, nurturing touch that actually refuels a person. Instead, I felt emotionally and physically depleted, longing for connection yet repelled by the idea of any more contact. It was a vicious cycle I didn’t know how to break.
Then came my work with postpartum therapy coach Kate Kripke. Kate didn’t specifically teach me about touch starvation, but through her guidance, I found ways to level, balance, calm, and connect all aspects of my life. I started to identify what I needed—not just as a mother, but as a human being. Slowly but surely, this foundation helped me rediscover my relationship with healthy, loving touch. I learned how to create moments of connection that didn’t feel like another “task” but instead filled me with peace and calm. And honestly? It felt like coming back to myself.
What Is Touch Starvation?
Touch starvation, also called skin hunger, occurs when we don’t receive enough nurturing physical contact. Human touch releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which helps reduce stress, lower cortisol levels, and promote feelings of safety and connection.
For mothers, the paradox of touch starvation is stark: we’re constantly giving touch but rarely receiving it in ways that replenish and nurture us.
The Science of Touch: Why It Matters
Touch isn’t just a luxury—it’s a biological necessity. Research shows that touch:
Regulates Emotions: Oxytocin released during touch calms the nervous system and reduces stress.
Improves Immune Function: Regular touch boosts white blood cell production, helping the body fight off illness.
Promotes Mental Health: Physical contact can decrease symptoms of depression and anxiety by fostering a sense of connection.
Relieves Pain: Touch stimulates the release of endorphins, natural painkillers that can alleviate physical discomfort.
Stats and Facts on Touch Starvation
Adults Need Touch: A study by UCLA found that adults require 8-10 meaningful touches daily to maintain emotional well-being.
Mothers Are Vulnerable: Over 70% of mothers report feeling “touched out” at least once a week during the postpartum period.
Oxytocin’s Role: Skin-to-skin contact with a partner can boost oxytocin levels by 40%, significantly reducing stress and anxiety.
Cortisol Reduction: Touch lowers cortisol levels by up to 30%, promoting relaxation and better sleep.
Signs of Touch Starvation in Mothers
Touch starvation can manifest in various physical and emotional ways, including:
Irritability or feeling “on edge”
Loneliness, even when surrounded by others
Fatigue that isn’t relieved by sleep
Decreased intimacy with a partner
Heightened stress or anxiety
Difficulty bonding with your baby
How Loved Ones Can Help Regenerate Loving, Nurturing Touch
Touch starvation isn’t something mothers can resolve on their own—it requires a village. Here’s how partners, family, and friends can support:
Offer Gentle Physical Touch
A shoulder massage, a back rub, or even holding hands can provide grounding and comfort.
Sit close during quiet moments and place a hand on her arm or back to show care.
Share the Physical Load
Offer to take over baby-related physical tasks like rocking, feeding, or diaper changes to give her body a break.
Carry out household chores that involve lifting or bending to ease her physical strain.
Prioritize Non-Sexual Intimacy
Understand that being touched out doesn’t mean rejecting affection altogether. Focus on cuddling, holding hands, or stroking her hair.
Create a safe space for her to communicate her needs without pressure.
Encourage Self-Care Touch
Gift her a spa day, manicure, or massage session to allow her to receive nurturing, restorative touch.
Suggest activities like yoga or stretching, which promote body awareness and gentle movement.
Introduce Family Touch Rituals
Create a daily “hug break” with your family to reconnect through touch.
Practice skin-to-skin contact with your baby together, which benefits both parent and child.
How Mothers Can Reclaim Their Body and Foster Touch
While support from loved ones is critical, here are ways mothers can take ownership of their need for restorative touch:
Practice Self-Massage
Use calming essential oils to massage your hands, feet, or shoulders.
Invest in a foam roller or massage gun for muscle tension relief.
Reconnect Through Nature
Walk barefoot in the grass or sand to engage in grounding practices.
Hug a tree (yes, really!) to absorb calming energy from the earth.
Communicate Your Needs
Be honest with your partner or loved ones about your need for nurturing touch.
Set boundaries if you feel overwhelmed by constant physical demands.
Schedule Time for Restorative Touch
Block out time for professional massages, acupuncture, or bodywork sessions.
Include touch-focused activities like dance, yoga, or stretching in your weekly routine.
Engage in Playful Touch with Your Baby
Incorporate playful moments like baby yoga or infant massage to make caregiving more enjoyable.
Focus on intentional, joyful touch to replace feelings of depletion with connection.
Resources to Support Mothers Experiencing Touch Starvation
Postpartum Support International (PSI): Offers support groups and counseling for postpartum challenges.
Local Massage Therapists: Seek out practitioners specializing in postpartum care.
Books on Touch Therapy:
The Healing Power of Touch by Michael Shea
Loving Hands: The Traditional Art of Baby Massage by Frederick Leboyer
A Gentle Reminder
Motherhood is an endless cycle of giving—your energy, time, and touch. But here’s the truth: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritizing nurturing touch for yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for your well-being and your ability to thrive as a mother.
It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to take a moment for yourself. And it’s okay to seek out the connection and care you so freely give to everyone else.
Let’s reclaim our bodies, restore our spirits, and remind ourselves that we deserve to feel supported, loved, and held—just as much as the little ones we’re nurturing.
With Love
Dru Erin Houchen
